There are fewer things I am more sick of hearing about than the swine flu. h1n1 for the smart out there. the swine flu is the bernie madoff of the medical world. (And that makes me wonder... if you're jewish, do you have to stay away from swine flu for religious reasons as well?) It's all a big money making ponzi scheme. the people who make tamiflu and vacinations are trying to scare you into using their products for something that is no worse than the regular flu.
For the uninitiated, swine flu is mexicos little gift to the world. I believe there they refer to it as the gringo eraser. Think of it as our generations montezuma's revenge. And people are freaking out over this. I bet if I were to go out on the streets and ask assorted passers-by how they felt about the swine flu, a good 90% would think it's deadlier than SARS, AIDS, and 4 other all-capital-letter-abbreviated-diseases combined. And unfortunately for the world, these are the people who won't catch it.
You know who else won't catch it? Anyone else here at Pig Fuckers, Inc. where I work. Why do I say anyone else? Oh yeah... we've had someone catch it already. (An office shooting AND the swine flu. I' taking suggestions for what would complete the office place trifecta of fail.) So top management have conferred with the controlling shareholders and our legal team, and under advice from the autistic boy, Rory, who hangs out in the parking lot sometimes, they have authorized the purchase of 1, 12 ounce bottle of Purell to stop the spread of swine flu. Now, I realize someone will probably have to lose their job to appropriate the necessary funds to make a purchase this large, but if it stops me from getting the flu, during flu season, it's all worth it. And now, I can finally throw away my own personal bottle i have sitting on my desk because I can just easily share a community bottle with people who may have the swine flu, or worse yet, the stupid which is more contagious.
Now... if you do end up getting the swine flu, here are a few tips you should follow:
1) GET THE FUCK OVER IT. IT'S A GOD DAMN FUCKING FLU THAT YOU EXPERIENCE YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR IN THE WINTER, ESPECIALLY IN THE NORTHERN REGIONS OF THE UNITED STATE OF AMERICA. STAY IN BED, DRINK SOME ORANGE JUICE, EAT SOME CHICKEN SOUP, STOP COMPLAINING, AND REPEAT FOR 3 - 5 DAYS.
That's it. That is all you can do about it. And after those 5 days, if your immune system is healthy and strong enough, and does not have a personal vendetta against you, you will go about your business. If it wasn't in the first place, yes, you will die. But you should have been living in a bubble to begin with. So really, it's your own damn fault at that point. But not here... armed with the latest in bacteria fighting protection (did anyone bother to mention telling the Board that swine flu is a flu and purell kills bacteria? Oh well... let them waste their $2.99...) Pig Fuckers, Inc. is going to continue on and laugh in the face of h1n1. Crazed employees with guns however... their faces will not be laughed in.
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