There are fewer things I am more sick of hearing about than the swine flu. h1n1 for the smart out there. the swine flu is the bernie madoff of the medical world. (And that makes me wonder... if you're jewish, do you have to stay away from swine flu for religious reasons as well?) It's all a big money making ponzi scheme. the people who make tamiflu and vacinations are trying to scare you into using their products for something that is no worse than the regular flu.
For the uninitiated, swine flu is mexicos little gift to the world. I believe there they refer to it as the gringo eraser. Think of it as our generations montezuma's revenge. And people are freaking out over this. I bet if I were to go out on the streets and ask assorted passers-by how they felt about the swine flu, a good 90% would think it's deadlier than SARS, AIDS, and 4 other all-capital-letter-abbreviated-diseases combined. And unfortunately for the world, these are the people who won't catch it.
You know who else won't catch it? Anyone else here at Pig Fuckers, Inc. where I work. Why do I say anyone else? Oh yeah... we've had someone catch it already. (An office shooting AND the swine flu. I' taking suggestions for what would complete the office place trifecta of fail.) So top management have conferred with the controlling shareholders and our legal team, and under advice from the autistic boy, Rory, who hangs out in the parking lot sometimes, they have authorized the purchase of 1, 12 ounce bottle of Purell to stop the spread of swine flu. Now, I realize someone will probably have to lose their job to appropriate the necessary funds to make a purchase this large, but if it stops me from getting the flu, during flu season, it's all worth it. And now, I can finally throw away my own personal bottle i have sitting on my desk because I can just easily share a community bottle with people who may have the swine flu, or worse yet, the stupid which is more contagious.
Now... if you do end up getting the swine flu, here are a few tips you should follow:
1) GET THE FUCK OVER IT. IT'S A GOD DAMN FUCKING FLU THAT YOU EXPERIENCE YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR IN THE WINTER, ESPECIALLY IN THE NORTHERN REGIONS OF THE UNITED STATE OF AMERICA. STAY IN BED, DRINK SOME ORANGE JUICE, EAT SOME CHICKEN SOUP, STOP COMPLAINING, AND REPEAT FOR 3 - 5 DAYS.
That's it. That is all you can do about it. And after those 5 days, if your immune system is healthy and strong enough, and does not have a personal vendetta against you, you will go about your business. If it wasn't in the first place, yes, you will die. But you should have been living in a bubble to begin with. So really, it's your own damn fault at that point. But not here... armed with the latest in bacteria fighting protection (did anyone bother to mention telling the Board that swine flu is a flu and purell kills bacteria? Oh well... let them waste their $2.99...) Pig Fuckers, Inc. is going to continue on and laugh in the face of h1n1. Crazed employees with guns however... their faces will not be laughed in.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Burger King is inferior to everything in every way but one
I try to avoid fast food as much as I can, but it's about damn near impossible to stay away from completely. I finally swore off the Colonel for good, because as Weebs puts it, they have the fastest "stomach to toilet" ratio in the business. KFC is to your bowels what liquid draino is to plumbing. And in most cases faster, but shit do I digress...
So, given my choice as far as fast food goes, Wendy's would be my top pick, McDonalds are just convenient, and Burger King... well, the BK Lounge can just rot in hell with the likes of Hitler and Kate and Jon Gosselin (come back in a few months, if need be.) There are many reasons to hate BK, but my god, stupidity is one of my pet peeves (my others being everything else) and BK is just ripe with stupid. Period.
In most other establishments, when provided with a card swipey thing, technical term for those of you not in the know, I run a card through, my goods are magically paid for and I go about my day. Trying to perform this simple task at the Lounge requires two Harvard Professors, special keys that must be turned at the same time, a call on the special red phone, and lots and lots patience. I personally have none of those previously mentioned things.
A little background information. My company sucks donkey anus. Totally unrelated to the story, but it is a fact. Secondly, said donkey-anus-sucking company happens to be next door to a Burger King and literally, nothing else. If you want something to eat or drink, call the Sherpas, load up the Wagon, be a banker from Boston so you start with more money for supplies at Independence Rock, be prepared for someone to die of dysentery and head on your way... Needless to say, the odor of Whopper wafts throughout the building on a daily basis.
In any case, dear old Grandma McFisticuffs gave me a Burger King gift card that she won in some raffle. The thing is even all gold to make the NASCAR watching hill billy your mouth sure is pretty inbreds who get one think they have a line of credit or something. I'm sure at least twice a week, someone in South Carolina tries to use one buy a 30 rack of Red Dog. They even use Tony "how does he fit his fat fucking ass and head into a race car" stuart to endorse the place. The people this place is trying to appeal to are just as stupid as the people who work there.
So anyways, i have my Gold gift card, and I'm thirsty the other day, so I figure i'd use the thing up and go grab a soda. I swiped the thing 5 damn times before the guy working the counter was able to relate to the card swipey machine that it was a gift card and not a credit or debit card. last I checked, bank of america isn't handing out debit cards with pictures of crowns, fries and burgers on it. I let it slide, but do realize how much easier this process would have been if it were occuring anywhere else in the world. Despite my better judgement, i try again the other day (i guess i've been lazier than usual) and I get the same results... Knowing what I know now, I went again this afternoon, fully prepared to just hand the cashier the card and let her deal with the fucking mongoloid process bk has of taking my money, converting it to plastic and then accepting it again. (I saw this on it's always sunny in philadelphia, and I gotta say... the business model didn't work out for Paddy's Pub either. And I'd argue they're a better run establishment...) The girl looked at the card like I had just shit in my open palm and presented it to her and pressed a sequence of buttons on her monitor that Im sure launched a nuclear weapon somewhere. The results were still the same as the other day, but at least this time it was someone ELSE's problem. And she fucking gave up. Quit like rehab. She handed me the cup and said there you go. She didn't want to deal with the fucking monstrosity that is using a gift card at burger king. Finally, some vindication. $2.09 + tax worth of vindication!
Interesting side story: I once ordered a soda from BK and the oaf asked me if it was "for here or to go." She stumped me. I was so awe struck at her stupidity I think i made a sound like robert loggia schleping minute maid juice (search for "robert loggia juice" on youtube to see what im talking about if you don't already know).
So between the hours of 10:31 AM and 8:00 AM the following day, I am avoiding BK. I can't stand the stupidity anymore. But Chester... why those weird hours? The croisanwhich. Oh yeah... the greatest fast food breakfast sandwich on earth. it is the only reason why I dont want to see Burger King wiped off the fucking planet like Cambridge. But I wouldn't cry if it were. (BK or Cambridge... either or.) So burger king... that is why i hate you.
So, given my choice as far as fast food goes, Wendy's would be my top pick, McDonalds are just convenient, and Burger King... well, the BK Lounge can just rot in hell with the likes of Hitler and Kate and Jon Gosselin (come back in a few months, if need be.) There are many reasons to hate BK, but my god, stupidity is one of my pet peeves (my others being everything else) and BK is just ripe with stupid. Period.
In most other establishments, when provided with a card swipey thing, technical term for those of you not in the know, I run a card through, my goods are magically paid for and I go about my day. Trying to perform this simple task at the Lounge requires two Harvard Professors, special keys that must be turned at the same time, a call on the special red phone, and lots and lots patience. I personally have none of those previously mentioned things.
A little background information. My company sucks donkey anus. Totally unrelated to the story, but it is a fact. Secondly, said donkey-anus-sucking company happens to be next door to a Burger King and literally, nothing else. If you want something to eat or drink, call the Sherpas, load up the Wagon, be a banker from Boston so you start with more money for supplies at Independence Rock, be prepared for someone to die of dysentery and head on your way... Needless to say, the odor of Whopper wafts throughout the building on a daily basis.
In any case, dear old Grandma McFisticuffs gave me a Burger King gift card that she won in some raffle. The thing is even all gold to make the NASCAR watching hill billy your mouth sure is pretty inbreds who get one think they have a line of credit or something. I'm sure at least twice a week, someone in South Carolina tries to use one buy a 30 rack of Red Dog. They even use Tony "how does he fit his fat fucking ass and head into a race car" stuart to endorse the place. The people this place is trying to appeal to are just as stupid as the people who work there.
So anyways, i have my Gold gift card, and I'm thirsty the other day, so I figure i'd use the thing up and go grab a soda. I swiped the thing 5 damn times before the guy working the counter was able to relate to the card swipey machine that it was a gift card and not a credit or debit card. last I checked, bank of america isn't handing out debit cards with pictures of crowns, fries and burgers on it. I let it slide, but do realize how much easier this process would have been if it were occuring anywhere else in the world. Despite my better judgement, i try again the other day (i guess i've been lazier than usual) and I get the same results... Knowing what I know now, I went again this afternoon, fully prepared to just hand the cashier the card and let her deal with the fucking mongoloid process bk has of taking my money, converting it to plastic and then accepting it again. (I saw this on it's always sunny in philadelphia, and I gotta say... the business model didn't work out for Paddy's Pub either. And I'd argue they're a better run establishment...) The girl looked at the card like I had just shit in my open palm and presented it to her and pressed a sequence of buttons on her monitor that Im sure launched a nuclear weapon somewhere. The results were still the same as the other day, but at least this time it was someone ELSE's problem. And she fucking gave up. Quit like rehab. She handed me the cup and said there you go. She didn't want to deal with the fucking monstrosity that is using a gift card at burger king. Finally, some vindication. $2.09 + tax worth of vindication!
Interesting side story: I once ordered a soda from BK and the oaf asked me if it was "for here or to go." She stumped me. I was so awe struck at her stupidity I think i made a sound like robert loggia schleping minute maid juice (search for "robert loggia juice" on youtube to see what im talking about if you don't already know).
So between the hours of 10:31 AM and 8:00 AM the following day, I am avoiding BK. I can't stand the stupidity anymore. But Chester... why those weird hours? The croisanwhich. Oh yeah... the greatest fast food breakfast sandwich on earth. it is the only reason why I dont want to see Burger King wiped off the fucking planet like Cambridge. But I wouldn't cry if it were. (BK or Cambridge... either or.) So burger king... that is why i hate you.
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